Cell Phones and Children Part 1

Several months ago we took our Bigs to dinner and their first college football game while our two littles spent time with grandma and grandpa. As our dinner came to a close, my husband received an inappropriate text from an unknown person. He quickly turned his phone away from the table and slipped it back into his pocket. With a role of the eyes he said, "I need to show you the text that just came through." After we were all in the car, he asked me to delete the image and block the number. Unfortunately, it was an inappropriate image of a female. I quickly erased, blocked and perhaps halted any further phishing attempts. It was this incident that solidified our current decision to delay a smart phone for our oldest. 

Our 12 year old loves football, hydro dipping all the things (curious, see my latest IG post), spending time with family, riding his bike, tickle wars, math, playing at parks with friends, Madden 20, snacks, building box forts AND he would also love his own smartphone. Do I want to risk a smartphone taking the place of all those things he loves? Absolutely not. This sweet childhood needs to be protected by his parents. However, he will eventually have a phone by the time he leaves our home. So, BEFORE it’s fully placed in his hand, I want to set him up for success. 

"My son, do not walk in the way with them; hold back your foot from their paths." Prov. 1:15

We were never raised with these devices and never had to figure out how to use them as kids. Pagers and pay phones anyone?!!! As my husband and I seek out what phone guidance might look like, I've coined a term I call Phone in Training (or PIT). If we're being honest, it can often feel like we're in a pit as parents...like a huge overwhelming mud pit. With that in mind, the P.I.T term is perfect. I’m choosing to step out of that mud and muck and move forward as a confident parent in this digital age. Keep in mind, this Phone in Training is as much for us as it is for them. It’s a training that includes a set of fluid rules based on: 1) a child's behavior and abilities and 2) our commitment level as parents. In other words, we must ask ourselves, “is our child developmentally capable to manage this important device” and “do we have the commitment level to wisely navigate their phone use as well as our own?”  If we’re not confident in answering yes to these questions, than delaying the device is probably our answer. It takes a high commitment level on a parent's part to be in charge regarding tech use. Unfortunately, society will tell you differently because its the norm to give kids freedom in this cyberspace world. 

These tech savvy companies will not be telling us to postpone the purchase of these devices for our kids. As an early childhood expert and mom of four, I’m here to say, “delay a phone as long as you can.” Our family has enough strain from the outside world and giving our child a smartphone will just increase that tension. That being said, at some point our children will grow up and eventually have a cell phone. So, at the appropriate age, teaching them how to use this tool will be valuable to their success in handling these devices. There are several elements to our Phone in Training. Below are the first two PIT guidelines:

PIT Guidelines Part One 

1) Family Time. During our marriage counseling over 17 years ago, the pastor said "love is spelled t-i-m-e. While he was referring to our marriage, it holds true in the relationships with our kids. We show love to our kids when we spend time with them. So, take them on dates, plan family outings, read the Bible, play together after dinner and talk. REALLY listen and listen some more. Listen to stories, the jokes, the latest thing their friend did, and their goofy interests. When we listen; we keep them talking, we stay connected and reduce their desire to turn elsewhere.  

2) Limit our phone use. As the parents, we need to limit our phone use. If we're going to send the message that our phones aren't the center of our lives; we need to live like it were true. Here are my efforts in trying to accomplish this: 

* Turn my phone on silent to reduce distractions when texts come in.

* Occasionally leave my phone at home. Its actually really freeing.

* Keep my phone out of sight so I'm not tempted to grab it.

* Pick a specific amount of time for social media. Preferably when the kids are not around. 

                   * Use the computer for email and research. This way my kids can see the                               purpose behind my screen use instead of just watching me stare at the phone.                            

              * Use my real camera to take photos. This also encourages less photo                                     taking and more memory making.  

Be active in these two elements first AND stay tuned for Part 2 of this post where I'll reveal the remaining elements of P.I.T.  

The thing is; I’m nervous about handing over a “tool” that I struggle to use wisely at age 39. Is my 12 year old ready to handle this potentially dangerous and addictive device? Am I ready with Wonder Woman strength to guide him in this area? Answers: Nope he's not ready and I'm pretty much Wonder Woman already but that's beside the point. This P.I.T. will look differently with each of our children and within each family. As you consider what that looks like for your loves, don't let the pressure of society, peers, etc. push your family and child into a plan that you're not ready for. 

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

As we headed from the restaurant that night and I deleted the text from my husband's phone and I used those precious moments to be honest with our kids. We discussed, once again, the dangers that prowl within these devices and the importance of learning how to use them. It was a perfect teachable moment. Then we moved on and we had a blast at their first college football game. My phone captured a few memories but it mostly stayed in my pocket while we were just together. Really, our whole family is in the P.I.T. creating proper phone habits TOGETHER. We certainly haven't arrive. As we guide our children, may we know Christ has given us the power to be confident protectors in this digital age. AND may we all look up more and down at our phones less. 

Stay Tuned For Part 2 of This Post

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Other Tools: 

* Read this book: Wired Child Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age by Richard Freed. This book has been eye opening...to see how the device making "experts" keep us scrolling and gaming. I highly recommend buying this book before buying another device. 

* Visit this site: https://screenstrong.com/ for testimonials, resources, blog posts and research about managing media in your family. If you're wanting to change how your family currently navigates devices; begin educating yourself as the parent. Then slowly educate and incorporate change the whole family can move forward together. 

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