Cell Phones and Children Part 2

 See part one of this post by clicking here: Children and Cell Phones

The warmth of a nice firepit can be so inviting. You gather around with family and friends ready for conversation and maybe a roasted marshmallow or two...or 20. This last summer, while gathered around such a fire, we thought it would be fun to create an illusion that we were roasting our son over the flames (photo taken several feet behind the BBQ). No one was hurt and it was hilarious. Silliness aside, it got me thinking: "where in our son's life are there situations when he is close to something that can consume like a fire?" What is something thats really inviting and beneficial these days but can also be dangerous? About two years ago, an incident occurred in our home that illustrates this danger real well. 

I had just walked in the door from upgrading our phones from the iPhone 5 to an iPhone 8. It was almost 1.5 years ago and I remember the afternoon vividly. Before I even set my purse down, my 11 and 8 year old confiscated the deactivated phones from my hands. Within minutes, they proceeded to take the photos, ask for the apps and change preferences like they were in charge. In a matter of days my sweets were constantly asking to use "their" phones and I would randomly find them in a phone daze on the couch. Their priorities and interests were quickly being altered by a tool that wasn't even being used for its sole purpose. I wasn't willing to accept this as a new normal. So, I confiscated the phones (that were never theirs to begin with) and put them out of sight. This situation emphasized the significance in training our children how to use these devices before handing them over. As witnessed with my own children, simply handing the phone over with no direction is like setting them over the fire that quickly consumes. In part one of this post; I introduced our solution to this: Phone in Training (PIT) and shared the first two elements: 

1) Family Time. During our marriage counseling over 17 years ago, the pastor said "love is spelled t-i-m-e. While he was referring to our marriage, it holds true in the relationships with our kids. We show love to our kids when we spend time with them. So, take them on dates, plan family outings, read the Bible, play together after dinner and talk. REALLY listen and listen some more. Listen to stories, the jokes, the latest thing their friend did, and their goofy interests. When we listen; we keep them talking, we stay connected and reduce their desire to turn elsewhere.  

2) Limit our phone use. As the parents, we need to limit our phone use. If we're going to send the message that our phones aren't the center of our lives; we need to live like it were true. Here are my efforts in trying to accomplish this: 

- Turn my phone on silent to reduce distractions when texts come in.

- Occasionally leave my phone at home. Its actually really freeing.

- Keep my phone out of sight so I'm not tempted to grab it.

- Pick a specific amount of time for social media; preferably when the kids are not around.

 - Use the laptop or desk computer for email and research. This way my kids can see the purpose behind screen use instead of just watching me stare at the phone.          

- Use my real camera to take photos. This also encourages less photo taking and more memory making. 

PIT Guidelines Continued 

As my 12 year old inches towards Jr. high, we're utilizing an old cell phone to help us ALL navigate what will work in our household. The phone doesn't have a monthly service charge but works off an Apple ID we had set up. The device can text and facetime others that have an iPhone and works off our Wi-Fi using his iCloud id. As we decide how to move forward with a phone, using an old smartphone has been a great way to learn this together as a family WITHOUT the monthly service charge. Right now, we're learning all this in the safety of our home. Once he's allowed to leave the house with a phone, there are other "smartish" phone options we're considering (see below). Again, this will look differently for each child based on abilities and maturity level. All that said, below is our fluid set of PIT guidelines we're currently swimming through.

3) Tool not a toy. Mom and Dad's phones are not toys or entertainment devices for the kids.  Our kids have never used our phones as a toy. We occasionally use the phone together by looking at photos, enjoying a facetime call or instructional video. This sends the message from the beginning that these devices are tools not toys to fill up space in our minds and waiting times.

4) The phone stays at home. Right now our goal is to help him create healthy habits at home with a phone before he enters a public setting. We have stood firm in not allowing it on vacations or family outings. we want him to see that phones need to take a backseat to real relationships and to reality in general. This also means parents are important role models in putting our phones down as well. 
5) Home-base is at the family desk. When he's not using it, the phone is kept on the desk. This lets us know where it is but also helps him practice good care (aka reducing the chances of it becoming lost or mistreated by a younger sibling). Its also at home base during homework and family times like dinner. 
6) It stays out of bedrooms and pockets. If its carried in a pocket it will "accidently" walk out of the house or in his bedroom with him. Keeping it out of the bedroom also provides accountability and lets us know when and how he is using the phone. 
7) Share passwords, contacts and content. Using his iCloud id (we has help setting this up at an Apple store), he is able to text friends/family that also have iPhones. Texting family has been a great way to practice using his phone intentionally and he freely shares this content with us. Right now, its contacts include family and a few close friends. 
8) Apps with permission. Right now, his only app is ESPN. This has been the only app he's asked permission for at this point. He loves football and I love encouraging this interest. So, letting him keep up with the news on his fav teams through this app is A-Okay with me.  

9) Social media and games are off limits.  I want the individuals in our family to build a strong identity in Christ NOT in the next social media post or comment. As a pre-teen, he'll be entering a stage when figuring out his identity is at the forefront. Introducing him to social media at this stage can really interfere with solidifying his identity in Christ alone. I'm not against games but at this point I want him to learn how to use his phone as a tool not a toy first. Maybe someday...but not for a while. 
10) Boredom texting and photos will be limited. One of the things I love about our son is his humor. So, sending an occasion funny gif or meme via text is ok with limits. When it becomes a back and forth nonsense without meaningful content; it can get inappropriate fast. So, one or two funnies back and forth is our safety zone right now. 
11) Phone will be taken when "space" is needed. We all know how easily our mental space can get cluttered by all the things. So, breaks are often necessary. We're about one year into figuring out what PIT will look like for our family and it hasn't been without a struggle. Now that we've had these guidelines in place and the novelty has worn off, the phone is just something he occasionally uses. 
12) Limit phone use: Time limits on apps and other phone use can be created in settings and saved with a parent password. This is our current mode of operation. Our guy currently has 35 minutes/day for phone use. He rarely uses up the entire time as we've set up parameters that keeps it from consuming him. 

Two of the most important elements of the Phone in Training (PIT) is family time and limiting our phone use as the parents. 

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

So, that's our Phone in Training plan so far. It'll change and adapt and of course we'll let them out of the house with a phone some day. 😊 As I think back to that day on the beach when we played fun by "roasting" our son, it brings a huge smile to my face. It makes me reflect on what I want to continue filling our days with. Lets fill our time and space with one another not our devices and screens. AND may we follow His wisdom as we model phone behaviors our children will follow.  

Alternatives to a Smartphone: 

Traditional home phone. We actually still have a home phone so the big kids can reach us in emergencies when they're at home alone.
Pre-paid flip phone. Don't let the industry trick you into thinking a smartphone is the only way to go.
No Phone. Most of us grew up without one. We were fine. Our kids will be fine. Delaying the phone also delays the stress of managing it.
A smarter smartphone: Gabb Wireless. This is an option we may choose for our (almost) Jr. Higher when he's given the freedom to leave the house with a phone. The only features on this phone: Camera, radio, texting (words only) and calling (this also means NO 360 follow your family capabilities).

Other Tools: (not being sponsored...its just my heart and passion.)

Recommended Skills Children Should Have Before a Phone: Click here to see a Skills Checklist  by Screen Strong. This is a great resource for setting skill learning goals with your kids. 

Do a book study together with your kids. For our 12 yr old, we've chosen this book The Guy's Guide to God, Girls and the Phone in Your Pocket. We use this as an opportunity to take him on a date and discuss the book over food. There always needs to be food. 

Listen to podcasts by Johnathan McKee on Focus on The Family. He shares great parenting advice about music, media and staying connected with your kids.  

            ____________________________________________________________

Sharing the days of childhood to display the importance of motherhood. 

Instagram: @home_with_dot

   Facebook: homewithdot     

To subscribe: Click "Subscribe" on my Home page. Fill in your info and wait for an email from "Feed Burner" to confirm your subscription. 

Thanks For Stopping By!