Should My Child Have a Phone? Things to consider before saying yes..
I was about 7 months pregnant with our first little one when I had this very odd dream. It was my dad and I standing with each other and I was holding a very large child on my hip. I was very concerned in my dream and I said, "dad, I just had my baby and he is so big. What's wrong with him?" I remember thinking how did I get here? I want to have a tiny baby to hold and my child is a giant. AND before I knew it the big baby was actually in my arms weighing a whopping 10lbs, 4oz. It was 14 years ago when we welcomed that sweet babe into our world and now hes basically our man child, 6'2" and 205 lbs. With that, we're also having to make decisions that go way beyond "when do we transition from a crib," or "what do we do about potty learning?" (Even though those are BIG consuming decisions at the time). One decision my parents never faced was, "when should we give our kids a cellphone?" We're now two months into our son having his own phone and I'm here to share how we landed on this decision and how its going.
Our big guy was born in 2007 about the same time the iPhone was first introduced. My hubby and I hesitated to jump into this new technology for ourselves until about 2011. As this "novel" item progressed, I saw an increase in kids hypnotized by these screens as well. With my early childhood background and my own experiences as a child; I knew I wanted different for my children. Here we are 14 years later and the average age for a child to have their own phone is 10 years old. The past couple of years we have seriously considered how we would approach disciplining our kids in how to use this technology in a healthy way. This is something our parents never had to do...teach our kids how to use smartphones in a healthy way while also learning how to navigate this technology responsibly in our own lives. So, here are some things we needed to consider first before we handed over a phone.
Some things to consider:
1) Am I a good example? I'm here to say, we don't do it perfectly. There are times where I must use self-control to keep from picking up my phone again, scrolling aimlessly or fighting the urge to immediately reply to an unnecessary text. So, my first question to address before getting my kids a phone is, "am I setting a good example right now in my own phone use?" Even if my kids didn't have a phone yet, they're learning how to use one by watching the adults in their lives. What do I need to change in my phone habits well before I place one in the hands of my kids? Do my kids see me placing more importance on the Word of God and the people around me than my phone?
2) Are we ready as parents? As we prepared to place a phone in our son's hands, we had to really ask, "am I ready to be fully present and alert to his phone use?" Sounds easy enough, however, we can quickly slip into lazy parenting and just "trust" that our kids can handle this privilege on their own. Just like in any other area of parenting, this takes a FULL TIME effort. Anything less would be placing undue pressure on our kids to carry a responsibility that is just really too big for them at such a young age. There is so much to be actively aware of: how much time are they on, who are they contacting, what do they have access to on the internet...the list can go on and on. If this sounds daunting to manage, it is and it shouldn't be entered into lightly. If you don't have the parenting energy to take on this task, you can and should continue saying "we're waiting" to your kids. Pray. Pray for wisdom and counsel from the Lord as you make this decision for your family.
3) Do they really need a smart phone? There are so many "rabbit holes" on the internet that can quickly trap kids and send them into a dark and dangerous world. We are losing kids to this digital world and we must go to battle for them. Being aware of this reality, we decided to purchase the Gabb phone. The device doesn't have internet capability which also means no social media. There are pros and cons to both a smart phone or Gabb phone that parents should be aware of and research in order to see what fits best for their family. So, what works best for our family:
* We wanted something he could help contribute to and a contract we could cancel without fees. The Gabb service is $25/month, and he pays for part of it. We can cancel at any time.
* There was no need for internet access because he isn't running a business or driving yet. All he needed was something to call/text from. The Gabb phone meets this need and helps us stay in contact when hes out on his bike, with friends or at work.
4) What can they practice before we get them a phone? There are SO many life skills that are more important than learning how to use a phone. Are there specific tasks or chores that can be added to their routine? For example, our 14 year old manages his own savings account, does laundry, mows the lawn, helps neighbors, can manage his schoolwork load, babysits his siblings, etc. Most importantly, are they learning how to study the Bible and place God first in their lives. A phone will only distract from these goals. If they really want a phone, use that as motivation to learn some other skills first (I could do a whole post on skill building). See part1 and part 2 of my "Cell Phones and Children" posts. In those posts, I talk more about our "phone training" process.
5) How can we avoid "entitlement?" This was a BIG priority we wanted to keep a handle on. Attitudes of "thats mine, you can't take it" or "I deserve to have a phone," etc. were not going to be permitted. Heres some ways we've done that:
* We didn't give the phone as a gift or surprise. Gifts give the impression that "this belongs to me and you can't take it."
* We signed a contract (we've actually signed 3 in the course of this process) letting him know we held the controls over the phone and having a phone was a privilege he could lose and not a right he deserved.
* He pays for part of the monthly bill. We believe ownership in this area is teaching him SO much. When we purchased the phone; he needed a little income coming in to ensure he could pay for it. This requirement also delayed the purchase because he had to really think "is this worth spending money on?" and he needed to get a job.
* I look at his texting and calls often. He is fully aware of this and is ok with it. If this was going to be a battle, he wasn't ready for a phone. It also gives me a good opportunity to discuss texting etiquette.
6) When to talk and when to stop. There will inevitably be phone issues that come up that will need to be addressed. Here are some things we've learned so far:
* If possible, avoid late night conversations when we're all tired. Shelve the conversation for the next day on an agreed time. There have been several evenings where we've gotten caught up in a disagreement about phone use and the conversation would have gone better had we waited.
* Think about your approach first. For example: In order to avoid a lecture, I like to place the "ball in his court" and ask questions. "How do you think that text sounded?" "What would a parent think if they read that text?" "What would have been a better way?" Or if I want to talk about how often hes picking up his phone, I might say, "I want to talk with you later about your phone use, lets make time for that." This gives him a warning and doesn't catch him by surprise possibly throwing him into defense mode.
* Don't take the bait. "You just don't trust me" was a common statement made by our son before we purchased the phone. If their statement/argument starts with "you," proceed with caution. I would try and repeat what I heard him say and calmly repeat my stance, "it's not about trust, it's about protecting you from the dangers phones can present." AND if you don't know how to respond simply say, "we need to talk about this later when I've had a chance to think and pray about it more." Sometimes that's my response for days if not weeks.
I've only scratched the surface in this phone endeavor and it's a journey that's far from over. While there are kids in the house, and even beyond, we must be diligent and active in the area of phones. Even if our own kids don't have one their friends do or they're "borrowing" ours. We can't be on the sidelines cheering them on when it comes to technology use. We must be in the "game" with them. This means we continue learning alongside our kids in this technology age. While I wish my 14 year old was still a 10lb baby in my arms, in reality, I'm really parenting the giant child I dreamed about. As you wade through the often unknowns of parenting seek Him. May you truly find courage in the Lord and know His counsel and wisdom will guide you as you stand up and protect your babes.
Other Blog Posts:
Cell Phones and Children Part 1: Why we need to protect our kids
Cell Phones and Children Part 2: Our Phone in Training guidelines
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